I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
