So drunk its hurt
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
