Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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