Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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