Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
