last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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