i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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