Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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