thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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