i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
