and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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