Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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