I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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