He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
