This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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