Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
worst night to have a conscience
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
