You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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