Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
