I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
