I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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