I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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