My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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