Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
