Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
