Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
