Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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