Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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