Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
