im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
