I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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