Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My cat gives me a boner
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
