Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
