Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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