She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
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So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
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I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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