This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
