im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
