Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
