It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
