My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
