This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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