i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
