It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
