i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
