I think I died a long time ago.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
