apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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