Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
