I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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