I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
