Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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