The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
