My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
