So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
