You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
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note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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