ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
