you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
