I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
