I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
