Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
