And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
